Both politics and social connections are fundamental parts of life. Most people can’t help but have an opinion on how our society runs, on how to vote. Those opinions are important, but so are our loved ones. And the two don’t always mix! 

Sometimes political disagreements present as passing comments or implications in non-political conversations. You might even have a legitimate debate that stays civil and breaks off before escalating. However, these disagreements can escalate and jeopardize important relationships in serious ways. They can also recur like wounds that haven’t properly healed, leading to long-term stress.

It’s unfortunate, but it happens. For the sake of your relationship, get back on track by reconciling and preventing ongoing political conflict. The steps below provide some ways to do just that.

Pause for a cool-down period.

When conversations turn to politics, things often become personal. Many of us have had a heated tone, raised our voices, or made unkind comments in the rush of wanting to be understood. Those actions can cut deep. So, pause to let the bleeding stop. Then you can treat the wound. 

The moment of a major rupture may not be the best time to smooth things over with your loved one. When a conversation turns into a serious argument or things get personal, distance from the situation helps. You may require a day, a week, or even a month to cool down and approach the other person with a level head.

However, you might worry that a cooling-off period shows you don’t care. What if they think you’ve written them off forever?

Consider sending a brief text that doesn’t try to solve the problem. You can express regret that the disagreement went the way it did, reaffirm your care for the other person, and let them know you’d like to say more once you’ve both cooled down.

“I wish we didn’t end things like that, because I really care about you. I think we should take some time to regroup, but I’ll have more to say soon.”

No giving or taking blame, no requests, no conjecture. Commit to come back later, and stick to the fundamental fact: this relationship is meaningful to you, and the argument’s tone was not aligned with that fact.

Repair a rupture by channeling respect.

Some of the concepts shared here (Smoothing Out A Political Conversation In The Moment) can still be applied to this situation, after a pause.

For example: respect can exist without agreement. Acknowledge that you disagree, but point out what you respect about the other person and their position if you can. Often, common values overlap even when people take different stances on politics. 

Even if you have no common ground (which is unlikely), you can acknowledge positive aspects to the other person’s approach. Maybe they really live their values when so many only pay lip service. Maybe they’re extremely committed to doing the right thing, even if you disagree on what that is.

Let them know, in as much detail as you can, why you respect and care for them even though the intense disagreement may have implied disrespect. Tell them why your relationship is important, and why it’s more important than convincing them to agree with you.

Set boundaries protecting both people. Humor helps.

If political conversations reliably become upsetting, mutually understood limits can help you stay close. Agree to avoid certain topics altogether, or keep each other away from mutual connections who take even more extreme stances and can’t stay civil.

Boundaries are not demands, but statements of what you can handle. Instead of “You can’t say XYZ around me,” try: “I don’t feel good when we talk about XYZ. I’d prefer we stay away from that topic, or I may have to excuse myself.”

Humor (especially disarming, self-deprecating humor) can help a situation like this. Consider setting a silly “safe word” for when a discussion starts to feel like a debate. Make a “swear jar” and whoever accidentally says something politically charged donates a dollar toward your next coffee date. 

Laughing at your mutual stubbornness sometimes feels better than tiptoeing around each other.

Don’t poke the bear.

In a similar vein, try to cultivate awareness of unnecessary boundary-pushing. 

You may simply want to connect – you see a joke, news story, or social media post that really speaks to you, and you want to share with a loved one! Innocent, right?

Just be sure to think twice when you don’t agree with this person politically. Does this content clearly take one side or the other? Might this content “rub salt” in your ongoing conflict?

By sending inflammatory content, you send a message that you either don’t understand they wouldn’t agree with you, or want them to defend their views. Either way, it exacerbates the division between you.

Think of someone else who would appreciate this political content and share with them instead.

Find an apolitical focus for your relationship.

Choosing a mutually agreeable focal point for your relationship can help keep you connected in a positive way, even when politics are always in the air.

Is there an activity or special interest you both share? One that can be enjoyed with little to no political influence? Make a point of sharing that type of content, inviting them to do those types of activities.

A certain type of cuisine, sports, celebrity gossip, gardening, books, music. Politics may dominate the news, but that’s only a fraction of all the interests you could share with someone.

The more you connect over a particular shared interest, the easier it is to think of each other as “on the same page” – rather than on the verge of another fallout. This also gives you an evergreen topic, to pivot when conversation turns political.

In conclusion…

When you have a major, relationship-rupturing disagreement over politics, perspective is everything. Reframe the focal point of your relationship from disagreement over politics, to agreement over more important things: your care and respect for each other, your shared interests, and life’s joys. 

You can’t remove politics from your life altogether, but you can recover from conflicts and minimize their recurrence going forward.