Politics are ever-relevant and ever-present, but not always welcome as a topic of conversation. Especially when you and loved ones disagree, political talk may threaten positive relationships and fulfilling time together.

While we might wish this weren’t the case, politics reflect our deeply-held morals and even our identities. For this reason, emotions can understandably run high in conversations about candidates and legislation. 

In order to maintain peaceful, amicable relationships, you don’t have to stop caring or abandon your opinions. However, you can pick up some strategies for smoothing ruffled feathers and minimizing the tension that might arise from a political conversation.

The article below focuses on protecting relationships and lowering the temperature of these conversations in the moment, so you can still enjoy the rest of your dinner or say a loving goodbye at the door. If you need ideas for what to do when a political difference becomes an intense or ongoing source of tension, you can find a companion article here.

Politics have come up in conversation, and it’s not pretty. What’s your goal?

If you’re here to achieve better outcomes in a political conversation, let’s get straight on what a positive outcome is. 

If you can only pick one, which is more important to you: preserving your relationship, or convincing the other person of your political stance?

While most of us would say our relationships hold peak importance, we likely wouldn’t end up arguing about politics if we didn’t care to convince others. Consciously or subconsciously, we want our friends and loved ones to agree with us on these matters, because politics are personal. 

Our views stem from our unique imprint of culture, life experiences, resources, and values. It makes sense to feel protective of these views. That said, it’s important to remember that someone disagreeing with your politics isn’t judging who you are, but protecting who they are. With that in mind, it may feel easier to choose peacemaking over persuasion.

If you agree, “I don’t want this disagreement to cost me someone I love,” then the next steps are for you.

1. Notice when the conversation has stopped being productive.

We may ignore red flags until they’re burning in the heat of an argument, but regular disagreements hold plenty of warning signs before they explode.

Within yourself, look for physical tension, a tapping foot, fidgeting, shallower breath, or intense pressure to make your next point. 

On the other person’s side, they may raise their voice, repeat the same point with progressive emphasis, turn to sarcasm, or interrupt you.

Just noticing these tells, or listening to your intuition, lets you take action to salvage the interaction. 

2. Slow down your reaction time.

Once it hits you that this conversation might not help your relationship with the other person, give yourself a moment to recalibrate before reacting.

A bathroom break, a sip of water, or even just one deliberate breath can create a gap between feeling provoked and responding in a way you may regret. That gap allows your conscious mind to take over and choose a more helpful path forward. A great first step on that path is to channel curiosity.

3. Get curious.

Shift from “what” to “why.” Asking a genuine question about why an issue matters to someone can shift the conversation away from competing talking points and toward the experiences, worries, and values behind them.

Remember that you can keep asking “why” throughout a conversation, too. If they answer “why” with a statement of fact that you disagree with, you don’t have to refute their perspective. Instead, consider asking why they see it that way. When they tell you the reason, you can always ask again. Why do they draw that conclusion? 

As for tone, make sure that your “why” comes off as curious rather than judgmental!

4. Lower the temperature without lying.

You don’t have to say you agree, you’ve been convinced, or that there is no more conflict, in order to defuse the conflict. You may disagree about what should be done while still discovering that you both care about something deeper, like safety, fairness, freedom, opportunity, family, or stability.

Simple acknowledgments can communicate respect and reduce defensiveness without requiring you to agree with the other person’s beliefs.

  • “We may not agree on the way to get there, but it seems we both want the same thing.”
  • “I can see why you feel strongly about that.”
  • “I love to know that even if our opinions seem different, we agree on the basics.”
  • “You always pursue your convictions and try to do what you feel is right. I give you credit for that.”
  • “I respect the reasons you feel the way you do, even if I tend to focus on other aspects of the situation.” 

5. Release the pressure through self-deprecation.

If the other person hasn’t agreed to disagree after the step above, there are other ways to shift gears. 

Arguing feels less urgent when your disagreement clearly isn’t an attack. If you’re up for it, a gentle joke may get the message across, especially if you’re willing to poke a bit of fun at yourself! Think of it as a good-faith gesture to open the steam valve in your conversation. 

You might consider a self-deprecating approach, such as: 

  • “Ah, I don’t want to keep boring you with my feelings about this!”
  • “I appreciate hearing your perspective, but hard-headed as I am, we might need power tools to help me see the light.” 
  • “My head’s a bit sluggish right now. You gotta catch me right after my morning cup of coffee so I can be a good conversation partner!”
  • “I do want to hear your thoughts, but I’ve got to be honest: my eye for dessert has other ideas.”

A quick joke to cut the tension creates a chance to change the subject while they’re chuckling.

6. If necessary, get serious to disengage.

If you’ve taken any steps above, you’re trying to regulate yourself, cool down, and re-focus on the relationship. That’s commendable, but hard to do! The other person may want to continue the debate, even if it’s unproductive (and even if they do care about your relationship).

In this case, an earnest approach can reflect how much you care about the other person. Your relationship is serious, so if nothing else works, it’s ok to acknowledge that: “Your different views don’t change my care for you or our relationship, but the tension of arguing does not feel good. I care more about our relationship than persuading you to agree with me. I hope you can see it that way, too.”

It’s neither of your fault that you both feel so strongly about this. Your beliefs are a representation of your life experiences, and at the end of the day, you’re arguing about perspective rather than truth. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder! 

So, you can always state that you respect them and respect their perspective, but that you have your own perspective too. There are topics you can connect on other than politics. 

In conclusion…

Swapping political opinions can sometimes put people into persuasive mode. But who says exchanged opinions have to change minds? If you can let go of the need to persuade, and center respect for the other person’s unique perspective, you can usually de-escalate a heated debate in the moment.  

Notice → Give yourself a chance to recalibrate → Get curious → Find common ground → Disengage if necessary

Try to think of a political conversation as if it were about favorite foods. You and your loved one likely have different favorite foods, for any number of reasons: you have different life experiences, different taste genes, different nutritional needs, and you’re just different people. 

If they say their favorite food is ice cream, and yours is mashed potatoes, you wouldn’t pursue a heated argument about why they’re wrong. But you might ask why they love ice cream, point out that both of your comfort foods are carbs, then change the subject.

Politics can feel more fraught and urgent, but at the end of the day, it’s the same concept. Political leanings are informed by early life experiences, exposure to certain ideas, and even neural circuitry – none of which you will change tonight over the dinner table. But you can always use tactics like those above, to recover from the attempt!

This article is about calming one difficult conversation in the moment. Here, find a resource for bouncing back from a rupture, and maintaining a relationship when the disagreement itself isn’t going away.